How can you support someone who has experienced trauma?

Experiencing something traumatic can leave a person feeling overwhelmed, exhausted, and hopeless. Trauma can occur after an individual event or after a prolonged period of adversity. Trauma can also lead to longer-term mental health issues and impact all aspects of an individual’s life. For everyone else – the family, friends, colleagues – it can feel challenging to navigate and to know how to support someone who has been through a trauma.

As a Counselling Psychologist specialising in work with trauma survivors, I often see loved ones struggling with what to say and do. My biggest tip is that you ask the survivor what they want – don’t try to get it right yourself, it’s much better to let them tell you what they want and need. However, there are some things that could help and others that may not help so much. I have put together a simple list of Do’s and Don’ts for when you are supporting someone who has been through a recent trauma or has a trauma history which you may find helpful.

DON’Ts:

·      Don’t make it about you – Often when we try to relate to someone or empathise, we draw on our own experiences which in some instances can be helpful. However, people don’t all experience the world in the same way. If the person you are supporting is asking for your advice, then of course share your views but otherwise just try to listen to what they need. You also want to make sure that you are supporting them to make their own choices rather than taking over for them. You may find you are frustrated and want to help them improve quicker but putting them under pressure will likely increase their sense of overwhelm.

·      Don’t minimise their experience – Try not to say things like ‘you’re so lucky to be alive’ or ‘you got off lightly’. People who have been through something traumatic need to have their experiences validated and comments like these can feel invalidating. You want to help that person feel justified in their feelings and that they are allowed to feel whatever they do in that moment.

·      Try not to assume you understand how they feel – Everyone experiences situations in their own way. Two people can be exposed to the same event and have completely different responses to it. For example, one person in a car accident may feel relieved that they weren’t seriously harmed but another may feel extreme guilt that they weren’t seriously harmed when others were. It is better to provide support by listening and asking what they may need rather than make assumptions about their experiences.

·      Avoid making suggestions – Sometimes when we see people in distress, we automatically come up with suggestions for things they can do to make themselves feel better. We think about what helps us and often impart that knowledge on others. Whilst this can be helpful, it is important to not assume they want to hear suggestions. Everyone is unique in their experience, and they may have already tried what you have suggested but not got the relief they wanted.

·      Don’t push them to talk about it – When someone has experienced a trauma, they may want to talk about it and try to make sense of it. However, for others they won’t want to talk about it. Try to respect their boundaries and don’t rush them to talk about something they don’t want to.

DO’s:

·      Listen and offer empathy - One of the most powerful ways to support a survivor is by offering empathy and practicing active listening. Create a safe and non-judgmental space for them to express their feelings, thoughts, and experiences. Remember, it's not about having all the answers; often, a compassionate ear can be more healing than words.

·      Validate their feelings - Validation is a cornerstone of support. Acknowledge the survivor's feelings and experiences without judgment or disbelief. Understand that everyone copes differently, and their reactions are valid responses to the trauma they have endured. Let them know that their emotions are heard and respected. They will be more likely to talk to you if they feel supported and understood. For some trauma survivors this may be the first time they have had their feelings validated so make sure you are aware of how this feels for them.

·      Offer practical support – People often struggle to continue with their daily routine after they have just experienced a trauma or have a history of trauma. Making sure that the person you are supporting has their essential needs met is very important Perhaps you could offer to do some laundry for them, drop their kids off at school or make sure their fridge is stocked and they have some meals available.

·      Respect Boundaries - Trauma can cause individuals to feel vulnerable and overwhelmed. Be aware of what they are communicating to you and be patient as they navigate their healing journey. Always ask for consent before offering support and be understanding if they need space. You can offer to be there to support but make sure you respect that they may not want you there.

·      Educate yourself – Survivors often say to me that they feel very alone after they have experienced something traumatic. Trauma can be isolating and life after trauma can feel like you are the odd one out, struggling with daily living. By educating yourself on trauma and its effects, you will feel more equipped to support them through their experiences. This knowledge can also help dispel common misconceptions and stereotypes surrounding trauma. Places like www.mind.org.uk and the NHS have readily available information that could help.

·      Practice self-care – Supporting someone who has a trauma history can be emotionally and physically challenging. It is crucial to remember to look after yourself and that your mental health matters too. Try to develop a regular self-care routine including things that feel calming and rejuvenating to you, for example, exercising and meditating. This will mean you are less likely to burn out and will be more available to provide support.

·      Encourage professional help - While offering emotional support is crucial, it's equally important to encourage professional help when needed. There are therapists and support groups that may help in their healing process. Just make sure if you are supporting them in finding professional support that you look for someone qualified to do so. For example, in the UK you will want a therapist with trauma experience who is registered with the HCPC, UKCP or BACP. Gently suggest these resources and offer to assist in finding appropriate professionals.

Final Thoughts

As a Counselling Psychologist specialising in trauma, I've witnessed how important it is for trauma survivors to be supported by those around them. Remember, it's crucial not to make their experience about you; instead, actively listen and offer empathy, creating a safe space for them to express their feelings. Validation is key – acknowledge their emotions without judgment. Practical assistance can be a lifeline, ensuring their essential needs are met during challenging times. Respect their boundaries, and always seek consent before offering support. Educate yourself on trauma to better understand their journey and prioritise self-care to sustain your ability to help. Encourage professional help when necessary, emphasising the importance of seeking qualified therapists or support groups. By navigating this delicate terrain with sensitivity, empathy, and respect, you can play a vital role in their healing process.