Shame rarely presents as self-loathing or obvious insecurity. In high-functioning trauma survivors, it often hides behind competence.
Many people I work with are capable, driven, articulate and outwardly successful. But beneath that competence there can be a persistent sense of defectiveness - a quiet fear that if someone were to really see them, something would be exposed.
Shame often forms in relational environments where distress met misattunement. Not only through overt trauma, but through repeated experiences of being too much, not enough, inconvenient, or unseen. Over time, the nervous system learns that visibility carries risk.
Achievement can then become protective. If I perform well enough, need little enough, achieve highly enough, perhaps I won’t be rejected.
The difficulty is that shame is not resolved by more competence. It is not a cognitive error to be corrected. It is an embodied expectation of disconnection.
Healing involves something much more vulnerable: allowing yourself to be seen in ways that once felt dangerous, and discovering that you are not rejected.
You don’t need to dismantle your competence. But you may need to understand what it has been protecting.
#traumahealing #traumarecovery #complextrauma #shame #emdr
Greater awareness of trauma is important.
For decades, people’s experiences were minimised or dismissed. Naming trauma has helped many access appropriate support.
But culturally, we’ve also started using the language more loosely.
Lots of us are guilty of it.
“That traffic jam was traumatic.”
“I’m so triggered” after an argument.
“That exam traumatised me.”
Everyday frustration, stress, conflict and disappointment are uncomfortable but they are also part of being human.
Research frameworks define trauma as exposure to overwhelming threat, often involving actual or perceived danger and loss of control, followed by lasting changes in how the nervous system responds.
But trauma doesn’t only occur through single catastrophic events. It can also develop through chronic unmet needs - ongoing misattunement, neglect, unpredictability, or environments where safety, protection or emotional responsiveness were absent.
What makes trauma distinct isn’t just that something hurt.
It’s that the system adapts to survive and those adaptations persist long after the original context has passed.
The body keeps responding as if something is still at stake.
If everything becomes trauma, we risk:
• Pathologising normal emotional experience
• Confusing distress with threat activation
• Diluting the meaning of trauma itself
Not all pain is trauma. But trauma is real. And when it’s present, it deserves careful, informed support.
✨ What are your thoughts?
#trauma #traumahealing #traumarecovery #complextrauma #ptsd
If closeness didn’t feel safe in your early relationships, your nervous system adapted.
Attachment is not just relational. It’s neurobiological.
Repeated early experiences shape the development of the amygdala, stress-response systems and patterns of co-regulation. When caregiving is inconsistent, intrusive, neglectful or frightening, proximity becomes paired with vigilance rather than safety.
So later in life:
• Kindness can feel suspicious
• Being understood can feel exposing
• Steady people can feel unsettling
• Emotional distance can feel regulating
Not because you don’t want intimacy.
But because your body learned that closeness carried risk.
Research in attachment and interpersonal neurobiology shows that early relational environments calibrate how the brain codes safety. When connection has historically activated the threat system, the body will continue to anticipate rupture, criticism or withdrawal, even in secure dynamics.
This is adaptation, not pathology.
And with corrective relational experiences and trauma processing (including approaches like EMDR), those pairings can change. The nervous system is plastic and the brain is malleable.
Closeness can become less activating. Kindness can feel less dangerous. Being seen doesn’t have to feel like exposure.
If this resonates, it likely makes sense.
✨ If you want to know more about how EMDR works then book an initial consult. Link in bio. My clinic has immediate availability.
#attachmenttrauma #emdr #traumarecovery #traumahealing #trauma
