Stop overworking, start feeling.
So many of my clients come to me completely burnt out because they have been overworking for years, often decades. When they aren’t working their schedule is busy with other things. They are working, exercising, socialising, networking to excess. They are exhausted because they don’t have time to stop for a moment. Their family, friends, partners are complaining they never see them because they are always too busy. But they are terrified to stop. They say things like ‘I just love being busy’ and ‘I am not a stay at home and chill kind of person’. Most of the time they don’t even see their overworking as a problem until they reach burn out and can’t continue.
We live in a world where overworking is commended, and we are expected to be constantly contactable. I vividly remember once saying to a colleague in the NHS that I was going to take a walk for 30 minutes in my lunchbreak and they looked completed bewildered – ‘you actually take a break, that’s mad’ she said. I felt so ashamed that I never did that again in that role. I continued to eat my lunch at my desk everyday like everyone else. But overworking doesn’t increase productivity – in fact it can lead to burn out and time off for stress and exhaustion. So, what role does it have for people?
When I question clients on why they are overworking or suggest they may be avoiding, I am so often met with ‘seriously my job is mad, there is just no time for a break’ or ‘seriously if I don’t work 12 hours then nothing gets done’. Whilst I don’t dispute some jobs have long hours, I do question whether people need to be working excessively all the time and what they may be avoiding, consciously or unconsciously.
People that have experienced adverse life events often find that they develop avoidance behaviours. They may avoid people, places, and reminders of their past. Often, they are aware of this behaviour, and they notice the role that avoidance has in them feeling safe and secure. However, interestingly I find that a lot of my clients don’t see their overworking as a symptom of avoidance. But when they come to sessions, and we unpack everything they begin to see that they are not creating the space to heal.
Overworking keeps your body and mind switched on and it provides a way to avoid feeling. If you have no downtime, then your nervous system doesn’t have time to down regulate and switch off. If relationships feel overwhelming, then overworking is also a way to create a barrier between you and someone else. Ultimately you are creating barriers to your own healing.
Overworking has the same function as other addictions like substance misuse or overeating. You may feel temporarily relieved by the behaviour, but it doesn’t tackle the underlying issues - whether that is trauma, anxiety or another mental health issues. I think of it like a box that you have stuffed full of feelings and put the lid on - if you are stopping yourself from feeling then all that ends up happening is that the feelings you are stuffing in the box won’t come out of the top but will make their way out sideways. The feelings are still there, and they deserve the space and time to explore.
So my question is always the same – ‘If you allowed yourself to stop for a moment what do you think would happen? Can you recognise any distress that you have about the idea of stopping and allowing yourself space to think and feel?’ It is in that moment that we can notice the fears and start to bring about change, start to break the avoidance.
Understanding the profound link between overworking, avoidance, and trauma response is crucial for personal growth and well-being. By addressing the underlying issues and embarking on a journey of healing, people can break free from the cycle of overworking, developing a healthier relationship with themselves and those around them.
It's time to recognise the silent cries for help within the busyness and build a path towards true resilience and lasting recovery.